“All I want Is a Room Somewhere. . . “ or do I look like Audrey Hepburn?

Bought in Wisconsin, shipped to California, dragged to Iowa, Boston, Dallas

Bought in Wisconsin, shipped to California, dragged to Iowa, Boston, Dallas

Fifteen years ago my late partner bought a sofa. An ugly sofa. It was not one of those we had looked at together in furniture stores. I did not like it from the moment I opened the door and the delivery men asked where to put it, until I took it to the dump last year. My cats, on the other hand, loved it. Their claws sent it to the dump.

The cats did for me what I could not do for myself.

My late partner also bought a coffee table. Ersatz French Provincial with a glass top. Just the thing for some old queen’s home, but not mine. Two days ago I finally found the ottoman I’d been wanting for years to replace it. The curved legs are on their way out (if the Genesis Benefit Thrift Store truck ever arrives).

“The harmless spray solution is undetectable to you, but keeps most cats from scratching furnishings.”

“The harmless spray solution is undetectable to you, but keeps most cats from scratching furnishings.”

The ottoman is—I suppose—a bit flamboyant. RED. Red and overstuffed. Probably not less queenly than French Provincial, but—it’s mine!
I’m obviously asking for trouble from cats with claws. They ruined the sofa. Think what they can do with a small overstuffed ottoman.

The solution? ScratchNotTM Training Spray.  An all-over application. “The harmless spray solution is undetectable to you, but keeps most cats from scratching furnishings.”

My apartment is more graduate student thrift store modern than anything Nate Berkus would design. It hardly has the look of royalty. That’s partly because I’ve never thought it seemly to spend enough money on myself to make a place “mine.” I have the leftovers from my failed marriage (1967-1975—stuff I’ve dragged from California to Iowa to Boston to Dallas), my second “relationship” (1980-1988), and my third relationship (1992-2003) scattered all ‘round (not true—not “scattered” but at the core). And a few family heirlooms, including my paternal grandmother’s sewing machine. I also have about 1,000 books, many from my father’s library.

I’m a bit like Audrey Hepburn. No, not Eliza Doolittle, but Audrey herself. What you see is NOT what you get. Marni Nixon, as everyone knows, wanted the room somewhere. Marni did for Audrey what she could not do for herself.

All I want is an ottoman somewhere.

All I want is an ottoman somewhere.

What’s done is done for Audrey, but not for me. A new sofa and ottoman. Rid of chairs I moved from Boston to Dallas—chairs I never liked—and books (a giant giveaway a few months ago), Laser Disk recordings (200, including “My Fair Lady”), and more. On my new sofa is a needlepoint pillow my sister gave me that says, “The Queen has spoken” (by that decorator M.E. every gay boy in the country knows, but whose name I can’t remember). The queen has spoken:

“All I want is a room somewhere (here) with one enormous chair” I bought myself.

Oh, and, by the way, if you think ScratchNotTM Training Spray keeps cats off furniture, have a look. Groucho obviously thinks it’s loverly.

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn’t it be loverly?
Lots of choc’lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin’ lots of ‘eat.
Warm face, warm ‘ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn’t it be loverly?
Aow, so loverly sittin’ abso-bloomin’-lutely still.
I would never budge ’till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone’s ‘ead restin’ on my knee,
Warm an’ tender as ‘e can be.
‘ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn’t it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly.

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